I Don't Want To Be Thankful
I've been having quite a time of things lately. And quite frankly, I'm not really in the mood to be thankful.
There I said it. Right now, in my life, I don't want to focus on what I'm thankful for. I want to be mad at my health for never giving me a break. I want to be mad at the friends who chose a political cult leader or selfish ambition over truth and faith. I want to be mad at the fact that the thing I love doing more than anything else in this world has been severely limited because of my health battles. I want to scream at God for allowing the one fur baby who was MINE to be taken away from me at the worst time of my life when I needed her most.
I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Thankful.
However, as I lay here in my well air-conditioned home, in my king-size bed (that someone GAVE us brand new a few years ago) with four other fur babies who have already surrounded me with love today, and mountains of books that give me rest and inspiration...I know I need to be thankful.
And sometimes we have to ignore what we want to do and embrace what we need to do. I need to be thankful. I need to say what I'm thankful for so my soul doesn't turn into an ugly monster that eats my humanity.
So here it goes.
I'm thankful that I still have my mind (most days). I'm thankful that my faith wasn't shattered, but strengthened during my time of deconstruction. I'm thankful that I have the most loving and caring wife a man could EVER ask for. I'm thankful for my parents and how they continue to learn and grow, and prove to be a major exception to their generation. I'm thankful for my creativity and the ability to tell stories through words and illustrations. I'm thankful for my dear friends who check on me. I'm thankful for the delicious food that I'll get to eat regardless of whether or not someone thinks I deserve to do so. I'm thankful for a God who doesn't leave me even when I sometimes struggle to believe he is who he says he is. I'm thankful for experts. I'm thankful for evidence and intelligent theory rooted in wisdom. I'm thankful for pizza and wings and a good glass of bourbon. And, in the words of one of my favorite people, Nadia Bolz Weber, I'm thankful that I get to be alive at the same time as Dolly Parton and there are a couple people on this Earth who know me completely and still love me completely and the absolute mystery and grace of that.
So...if you find yourself in a similar position, I'm not telling you to count your blessings, but I am saying I understand why you don't want to. I'm also saying you need to even if you don't want to. You may need to cuss the whole time, but it will help your soul and it will prevent you from becoming something less than human.